1 ⚾ Sign says 70 mph. Your radar gun says 52. Balls are so dimpled they curve on their own. Bring your own if you want actual practice. 2 🤔 Machines work if you hit them twice and sacrifice a small animal. Speed is a suggestion. Your kid got swings. That's the only positive thing you can say. 3 ⚙️ Machines work. Speed is close enough. Balls are old but they fly. Your kid didn't complain. You didn't complain. That's a win in 2026. 4 😍 Accurate speed. Well-maintained. Your kid asked for one more round. You said yes. You're coming back next week. They don't know it yet. 5 🏆 Multiple speeds. Curveballs. Everything works. Guy fixed a jam in 30 seconds. This is your cage now. Tell absolutely no one.
1 😭 No instructors anywhere. Your coaching strategy is YouTube videos from 2014 and yelling "keep your hands back." It's not working. It's never worked. 2 🤷 Guy's been on his phone for 12 of your 30-minute lesson. You paid $75. He just said "looks good" for the fifth time. Your kid's swing didn't change. Your bank account did. 3 👍 Instructor showed up. Watched your kid. Said three useful things. You're booking again because the bar is in hell and he cleared it. 4 😊 Actually fixed something. Your kid's hitting better. You paid $80. You're not mad about it. First time all season you're not mad about something. 5 🏆 Fixed your kid's load in 10 minutes. You've been yelling "stay back" from dugouts for two seasons. Instructor said "feel this." Kid got it instantly. You're jealous of a batting instructor.
1 💸 $6 for 15 pitches. You did math in the parking lot. $40 for 100 swings. Your kid wants a second round. Your wallet physically recoiled. You said no. They're still bringing it up. 2 💰 Not cheap. Not outright theft. You'll pack snacks from home to balance the budget. This is your life now. Your kid asked why you brought a cooler. You explained economics. 3 💵 Fair pricing. Didn't feel robbed walking out. Your kid got swings. You got change. For batting cages in 2026, that's a standing ovation. 4 🤑 Family packages exist. Multi-kid discounts are real. Someone here has three kids and remembers what $6 per token feels like. You're coming back weekly. 5 🏆 Memberships actually save money. Your kid got better. You didn't overdraft. You cancelled nothing to afford this. Mythical combination. Frame the receipt.
1 🏚️ Lobby smells like 1997. Chairs are a suggestion. Ceiling tiles are stained. You sat on the floor. Your kid asked why. You had no good answer. 2 😬 Functional like a '99 Civic is functional. Nets have holes but mostly work. You lowered expectations before walking in. Still disappointed. 3 🏢 Clean enough. Floors swept most days. Nobody left angry. This is the median batting cage in America. You've accepted this. 4 ✨ Well-maintained. Good lighting. Your kid walked in and stood taller. You noticed. You'll be back. 5 🏆 Your kid asked to come back before you got to the car. Unprompted. You're texting three families right now. This is the one.
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